Category: Laughter

Discipline

11/14/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 7 (2009).

What's in a Name?

11/13/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

One day recently I was referred to a patient to help fill out an Advance Directive. I went to the room and found a very pleasant lady who was, indeed, anxious to have this document completed and in her file. Inquiring as to her understanding of the importance of the form, she explained that she was a nurse and sometimes floated to this hospital. She knew all about the need for her wishes to be known when the time comes. Smiling, she also remarked that she enjoyed the stories that I post around the hospital called Grace Drops. Well, she won me over, always receptive to a compliment.

As we filled out the form, I asked her to pronounce her first name since it had an unusual spelling. “Mariya,” she said, “was pronounced Ma-ri-a, with a long i.” Immediately I broke out into song, harking back to my high school days and the folk music of which I was a fan, “A way out here they have a name for rain and wind and fire. The rain is Tess, the fire’s Joe, and they call the wind Mariah…..” As I paused, there was no request to keep singing, so I went back to filling out the form.

Later, as we were finishing up, I asked about her name. “The spelling of your name is different than I’ve seen, what is its origin?” She said with a twinkle in her eye, “It is Native American. It means ‘WIND.’”

Sheepishly, I said, “Oh, of course it does.”

© 2009, John C. Fitts, III. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 7 (2009).

Louisiana Ghost Story

10/31/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

Truth or fiction - you decide.

Happy Halloween!

This story allegedly happened near a small town in south Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true. No really.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One says to the other, “Look Boudreaux, dere’s dat idiot dat rode in our car when we was pushin’ it in da’ rain.”

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

Wrong Address

9/15/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

The Welcome

9/12/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

I remember when I had been at Morton Plant North Bay Hospital for almost six years. While it seemed like home to me then, I still remembered those first few weeks and months of feeling like an outsider, being so self conscious, and struggling to meet people and remember names. But after six years, I was an old hand, one of the fixtures around the place.

During the first weeks the hospital maintenance team helped me settle in, moving things in my office, hanging up my diplomas, certificates, and mostly my pictures of my family. It was great to be able to ask for help and know that they would “getter done.”

A few months after settling in and growing accustomed to my new place of ministry, I noticed that one of the fluorescent lights in my small office was beginning to fade. It was darker and would blink annoyingly. I made a note to mention it to the maintenance department, but just kept either forgetting or putting it off.

One day Bobby came around the corner as I walked out into the hall. Now Bobby was tall and wore a baseball cap to cover his folliclely challenged pate. He was very nice, but usually very quiet and not one for small talk. At least this had been my impression so far.

Now was my chance. I would mention it to him while it was on my mind. “Hey Bobby,” I said, hoping that by now we were chums. “There’s a dim bulb in my office.”

With a slight smile Bobby responded, “Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard.”

I suddenly felt right at home.

© 2008, John C. Fitts, III. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

Decision-Making in Health Care

9/9/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could
see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.

The Orthopedists were sure that it didn’t have a leg to stand on and the chaplains agreed that it didn’t have a prayer.

In the end, the decision was left to the Proctologists.

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

The Sharing of Marriage

9/1/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered,"The teeth."

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

Only in Florida

8/12/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station... The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

8/4/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and so we have been administering an entrance examination. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

“Can you tell me God’s first name?” “Sure,” Forrest replied, “It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).

White Lie Cake

7/15/2014

© Patty Fitts. All Rights Reserved.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale & after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured, she thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake." This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

Reprinted from Grace Drops, Volume 6 (2008).